butterflies

no matter what the news, good or bad, happy or sad, there is always poop to be cleaned. motherhood grounds you. - my wise friend, marni

today, i lost my mind.
more than normal.
i kept waiting for my body to just stop.
i waited for the signal that it was time to roll up in a ball
and seize responding to the world around me.

laughing one minute; incapacitating sobs the next.
feeling every emotion from
sad to ecstatic,
anxious to resolved,
pissed-off to terrified.


i waited for the people-who-come-to-take-you-away
to come
and take me away.


after dealing with insurance issues for 48+ hours,
(my diagnosis came in the middle of
switching my insurance over to cobra)
and my surgery almost being cancelled because of it,
(have i mentioned that i despise insurance companies?)
i finally appealed to the right person
and, miraculously, got the approval just in time.
just.
in.
time.

when i got home from seeing doctors,
getting blood drawn,
and picking up prescriptions,
the chopster was waiting for me.
he wrapped his arms around my neck.
worried about my a.m. meltdown said,
you know what, mama?
what, baby.
it will be ok.
i know, baby.
i love you, mama.

in the end. i am a mama.
and no matter the news.
i am what i am.